I need to stop thinking so deeply about things.
I have too much free time. For the past hour, I’ve just been sitting around thinking about basically everything, and breaking down because I’m horribly discontent with my life. I’ve come to some pretty shitty realizations about everything.
I don’t have many close friends. I have a very small amount of friends in general, really. And I can’t consider most of them “best friends” because I feel like I consider them a best friend, when I’m just a friend to them. Most friends that I’ve had over the course of the past two years or so have just moved on and drifted from me. I’m in constant fear of making new friends for the fact that I feel like they’ll betray me. I get jealous over the friends that I do have because I’m afraid that they will find someone far better than me, and just forget me like everyone else has. I hate when one of my “close friends” hang out with someone else alot, because I’m afraid they’ll just forget about me. I’m letting the fear or being alone and forgotten eat away at me. I hate the fact that I feel like everyone has a best friend, when I feel like everyone is against me. Not alot of people like me where I live, and they make it known. I’m not like people at my school, so they rule me out as an outcast, and someone who is weird. It really bothers me when I feel like I have to hold everything in because I feel that if I talk about it to someone, that they’ll just disregard my feelings, and not give a fuck. The one girl who used to be my “best friend”, now hates me and is dating the guy who I had my longest, and first serious relationship with. Most of the people who I considered my “best friends” now hate my guts, and don’t want anything to do with me.
It’s gradually starting to dawn on me that basically the only person that I feel secure with, or that is there for me, is moving 12 hours away, and is going to be in a different place constantly playing shows. It really fucking sucks that whenever someone good come into my life, they’re slowly ripped away from it. Don’t get me wrong, this isn’t the end of me and Zach, it’s just going to be fucking difficult, and the strain of it all isn’t going to make anything better.
I’m almost to the point where I just feel like being a bitch to people all the time so I won’t have a reason to even try. No one is trying for me, so why the fuck should I try for others? I don’t want to have to resort to living like that, but that might be what it has to come to.
I’m growing so distant from everyone because I feel like no one even cares to have anything to do with me.