I’m kind of stressed right now.

It’s starting to really hit me that Zach is moving. He’s leaving the 15th to take as much stuff to the house as they can, and look for jobs and everything. He’ll be up there for about a week, come back for a week, then leave for good. He’ll be in Cincinnati for 3 months, and come home for a little bit around Christmas.

After Christmas they’re going to Chattanooga, and going on tour all over the country for a while. He’ll be there for at least a year…So, I’ll see him as much as I can until he leaves for Cincinnati, during Christmas, and then I probably won’t see him again until AT LEAST next Christmas.

I thought he was only going to be gone for about 6 or 7 months total, but I found out last night that it’ll probably be at least 15 months. At least 15 months.

He hasn’t even left yet, and it feels like he’s half way across the world from me. It’s going to be difficult knowing that he’ll constantly be miles away from me, while I’m at home wishing I was with him. The strain of him being so far away is going to eat away at me.

I know that this is going to be difficult. All of it. But, not all of the time. There’s going to be times where I just want to break down and cry at any given moment, and just scream and yell because I miss him so much. I understand that this relationship is going to have to be consistently provided effort, and I’m willing to do that. I’m willing to do whatever I have to in order to be happy with everything, and have a good relationship with Zach. I know that it will be totally worth it when I do get the opportunity to see him. I’ll go to any lengths that I’m capable to go to so that I can see him. I’m going to make this work with him, despite the circumstances.

Like I’ve said numerous times; just because Zach is moving doesn’t mean that I’m going to drop every feeling I have for him.

I need to stop thinking so deeply about things.

I have too much free time. For the past hour, I’ve just been sitting around thinking about basically everything, and breaking down because I’m horribly discontent with my life. I’ve come to some pretty shitty realizations about everything.

I don’t have many close friends. I have a very small amount of friends in general, really. And I can’t consider most of them “best friends” because I feel like I consider them a best friend, when I’m just a friend to them. Most friends that I’ve had over the course of the past two years or so have just moved on and drifted from me. I’m in constant fear of making new friends for the fact that I feel like they’ll betray me. I get jealous over the friends that I do have because I’m afraid that they will find someone far better than me, and just forget me like everyone else has. I hate when one of my “close friends” hang out with someone else alot, because I’m afraid they’ll just forget about me. I’m letting the fear or being alone and forgotten eat away at me. I hate the fact that I feel like everyone has a best friend, when I feel like everyone is against me. Not alot of people like me where I live, and they make it known. I’m not like people at my school, so they rule me out as an outcast, and someone who is weird. It really bothers me when I feel like I have to hold everything in because I feel that if I talk about it to someone, that they’ll just disregard my feelings, and not give a fuck. The one girl who used to be my “best friend”, now hates me and is dating the guy who I had my longest, and first serious relationship with. Most of the people who I considered my “best friends” now hate my guts, and don’t want anything to do with me.

It’s gradually starting to dawn on me that basically the only person that I feel secure with, or that is there for me, is moving 12 hours away, and is going to be in a different place constantly playing shows. It really fucking sucks that whenever someone good come into my life, they’re slowly ripped away from it. Don’t get me wrong, this isn’t the end of me and Zach, it’s just going to be fucking difficult, and the strain of it all isn’t going to make anything better.

I’m almost to the point where I just feel like being a bitch to people all the time so I won’t have a reason to even try. No one is trying for me, so why the fuck should I try for others? I don’t want to have to resort to living like that, but that might be what it has to come to.

I’m growing so distant from everyone because I feel like no one even cares to have anything to do with me.

So, I was just in the shower for about 45 minutes, and all I did was just lay there, curled up, crying. I was holding back more than I wanted to, because I knew that if I just let it all out right then, then I would have definitely had a panic attack. And, I don’t need another one of those anytime soon ontop of everything else.

I’m so fucking overwhelmed with stress, and I have no idea why. Well, I do. But, it’s for more reasons than just one. You all may know of a few things that are causing this, but that’s just the beginning.

I’ve been so distant from everyone the past few days, and I’ve been keeping everything bottled up inside. Which, I know isn’t good, because then I’ll end up doing something drastic. I have barley spoken to my “best friend”, even though she’s not much help to begin with. I want to talk to some people, but they’re the ones who I feel like want nothing to do with me already.

Within the next few days, someone is going to cross the line with me, and I’m just going to go off on them, and then everything is going to make me feel like shit, and I’ll just break down. That’s how it always goes.

I don’t want to have to be like this. I want someone who I can constantly talk to if I need them, and someone who knows how I feel and can give me actual advice. I just need some comfort and some support, and someone who can calm me down and not make me feel completely terrible 24/7. The people around here have defied my trust so many times, that it just feels useless to have anything to do with them. It’s going to get to the point where I’m just so desperate for comfort, that I’ll let everything out to them, and it’ll be one huge mistake that I regret soon after.

Feeling like no one is there for me is making me feel like I’m not good enough for anyone.

Okay, here is my room for the anon who asked.

I took these pictures in panoramic setting to get a better all around view. The angles might be a little off and crooked, so sorry for that. But, my room’s nothing special really. Pretty boring. I used to have ALOT of pictures and things on my wall (I’ll try to find a picture of that), but I had to take them all down when I switched rooms with my brother, then we were going to paint my room, so I couldn’t put any back on there. So, I think I might start doing that again because I hate my plain walls with a passion. And, I doubt we’ll get around to painting my walls anytime soon.

But, this is my room. c:

I JUST REMEMBERED THAT THE DREAM I HAD WAS SUPER FREAKY AND FUCKED UP.
So, today was pretty terrible.

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ugh, just venting.

Okay, so. I have been completely emotionally unstable lately. I need to stop being left alone. I need to find things to occupy my mind. Whenever I have too much time to myself, I just begin to think about everything. Everything that’s happening, or could happen, and everything that could go wrong.

I’m so skeptical about pretty much everything in my life. My trust issues are getting worse, and my emotions are getting fucked around with so much more.

Humans are deceitful and heartless fucking creatures. I realized this a long time ago, but it getting the best of the greatest people. I just don’t understand how some people can be so fucking horrible. Some of the things I’ve seen other do, are the things I could never even force myself to do.

I’m just getting terrified of life. Terrified of people. I’m not talking to anyone anymore except for maybe 2 people. I’m not letting anyone in, and right now I have no desires to. The only people I want are the people I have now. Sure, I’d love more friends since I barely have any as it is, but I’m not just going to let anyone in. I want someone to prove to me that my acknowledgment and friendship is something that they want, and that they’ll fight for. I want someone to be afraid to lose me, because I’m damn sure afraid to lose everyone right now.

I just don’t want to doubt my feelings for the people around me. I want everything to be clear, and so that I know how to feel, and that I don’t have to be put in the types of situations I’m in now.

It’s forcing me to the point where I’m just scared shitless that I’m not going to have anyone there for me at all anytime soon. I’m afraid that everyone is just going to be gone. Even though they say that they won’t, those are only words. And who the hell is stopping them from just leaving anyways?

Okay, I’m going to clear everything up for you all.

I know alot of you have been asking me about Zach lately, and I just want to make this post or whatever so I’m not constantly getting flooded with questions about him.

I know there was a point where we didn’t talk for a few weeks after we decided that we couldn’t be in a relationship. Just because we’re actually maintaining contact now doesn’t mean that we’re in a relationship. First of all, don’t you think I would make it clear if we were? I would say something, not just let it go unsaid. NO, and and Zach are not in a relationship at the moment.

Just because we’re still in great contact, and still talk on a very daily basis, doesn’t change the fact that he’s still 11 hours and 700+ miles away from me. It doesn’t change the fact that it’s hard as hell for both of us to deal with the fact that we’re so far apart, and will hardly get to see each other. It doesn’t change the fact that it would be so incredibly difficult for us to have a good, healthy relationship with these circumstances. Not being there for each other physically and completely is just too much to have to handle, and way too stressful for us that everything already is. He’s going on tour soon, and will be gone for 3 years probably with all the touring, and school that the other band members have to complete. He’s coming home a little during Christmas, and he’ll visit as much as we can after that. I’ll see him as much as I can when I have the opportunity, and I’ll make sure it’s not difficult.

But guys, just because we’re not technically “in a relationship” doesn’t change how I feel about him. My feelings for Zach are still immensely strong, and I still love him an incredible amount. That hasn’t changed at all, and I doubt it will for a while. The distance is so hard for both of us, but I’m not just going to desert him. I’m still going to be here for him as much as I can, and try to make everything as easy and stress-free as possible. I’m still going to keep in contact with him as much as I can, and do whatever I can to make him happy. Zach is the person I feel closest to in my life right now, and I’m not going to let distance change the fact that I want him in my life. But, maybe in time when everything could work without hassle, then a relationship for us might be possible. And I would honestly love that more than anything, believe me. But, a relationship is just not the best thing for either of us right now.

Hopefully, you all understand this. I really don’t have to explain myself, but I figured you should all have an explanation so you would get off my ass about what is going on with me and Zach.

okay, here are all of my bracelets~

OKAY THIS IS GOING FROM LEFT TO RIGHT.

  • THESE ARE THE BRACELETS ON MY LEFT ARM
  1. matching bracelets with me and my friend wade
  2. live fest local show band from september 18th.
  3. random ass bracelet i made
  4. mine and my best friend’s matching bracelets :3
  5. another one of me and mine and my best friend’s matching bracelets
  6. second bracelet i ever made
  7. one of mine and zach’s matching bracelets c:
  8. mine and this bitch’s matching bracelets
  9. mine and zach’s kiiiiindof matching bracelets? his is a little bit thicker, but it’s the same colors and all.
  10. first bracelet i ever made! c:
  11. badass bracelet i got in cozumel~

  • THESE ARE THE BRACELETS ON MY RIGHT ARM.
  • also going from left to right :3
  1. hello kitty silly band~
  2. shell and bead bracelet from cozumel
  3. peace sign bracelet that i’ve had for fucking ever. (zach has one just like it but his is a darker blue~)
  4. a bracelet that i got from a girl when i made her one. no she didn’t make it since she’s not that badass.
  5. random bracelet that i made
  6. string with a lock charm on it. zach has the key :’)
  7. from cozumel~
  8. BRACELET THAT MY BB HANNAH MADE FOR ME! <3 (http://s0koala-ity.tumblr.com/)
  9. anotherrrr bracelet from cozumel
  10. matching bracelets for me and my friend wade, that i haven’t given to him yet since i haven’t seen him in forever. LOL he asked me to make those like months ago
  11. matching bracelets with my friend kirsten c:
  12. random bracelet i made
  13. first bracelet of that kind that i made
  14. bracelet that harper made me c:
Ugh, serious post.

Read this if you want to, I don’t give a fuck. I just need to let out how I feel to make myself feel better.

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i swear to fucking god

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x x 47
New addition to my wall~
I swear to god.

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